Beto O’Rourke Is the Tim Tebow of Politics and Is Going to Get Crushed

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A lot of people think that Ted Cruz is the biggest troll in politics. That is fake news. The biggest trolls in politics are the people funding his challenger, Beto O’Rourke. Even though polls have O’Rourke down by as much as nine in Texas, Democratic donors still juiced his campaign with $38 million this quarter. That is literally $5 million more than the Denver Broncos spent signing Tim Tebow. What a waste of money.

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There are three obvious explanations for this: the first one is that Democrats actually love Donald Trump and think that the secret to winning is to ignore all facts and polls like he does, and just wing it. The second one is that liberal donors are huge trolls trying to mess with Ted Cruz. I think that this is a highly credible argument. The third explanation is my hybrid theory, which I am 100-percent sure Chuck Todd will be talking about by the end of the week: Beto O’Rourke is the Tim Tebow of politics. He has a lot of heart, shitty mechanics, and gives an emotional erection to everyone who shares his religious beliefs.

Oh wait, you don’t think Beto is religious? Listen to this viral speech where he tells a room full of betas that he “can think of nothing more American” than NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem. This bro is way more serious about checking his privilege and being a total SJW than most Sunday School teachers are about not drinking and boning.


You think that Beto has good political technique? Bro, he’s a natural, but he doesn’t even take money from corporations. What an idiot. Here’s a list of names: Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, John McCain, and John Kerry. What do all these alpha dogs have in common? They all took money from corporations. Way to skip leg day, Beto. No wonder you’re getting smoked by Eddie Munster.

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My point is that there is no rational explanation for why people think Beto can win. He has a Texas-sized gusher of liberal-guilt-cash spewing up from New York and California and he is still sliding in the polls. When you have unlimited money and you’re getting hosed, it’s a pretty good sign that you’re about to lose. That’s why I’m betting on Ted Cruz for the win.

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I’m buying YES, Ted Cruz will hold his Senate seat in the low-80s. It’s not a huge payout but I’m going to do a lot of volume. I’ll need that dough to cover my ass when some of these risky House races don’t pay out.

But like I said, Beto is the Tim Tebow of politics. He’s got at least nine lives and could be be back in a New York Mets uniform by spring. Don’t count him out of anything, other than this race.


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