The House GOP Election Is Going to Be a Perfect Hollywood Slasher

paul ryan in closet

Hollywood is full of morons, because no one has bought the rights to turn the 2018 election into a horror movie. What a waste. These are the same people who thought Air Bud 2 needed a sequel.

Anyway, when I think about the best horror movies, a few things come to mind: teenagers, suburbs, boobs, sex, and gore. All of these things are extremely important to the 2018 election, which is going to be a total horror show for Republicans in the House.

Let me start with the facts: at least 83-percent of slasher movies are about kids babysitting, partying, and boning while their parents are out of town. This is actually the perfect metaphor for the Republican Party in 2018, because there are zero adults left in it, except for maybe Mitch McConnell, who reminds me of the Old Priest in The Exorcist.

trump mcconnell excorcist

Back to my point. Basically, ever since the Tea Party was invented, House Republicans have acted like a bunch of children who are sweating primary threats from Michigan Militia alumni and not general elections with Joe Democrat. Their plan to keep these right-wing trolls away has been to out-troll them and play Who can come up with the most bat-shit crazy way to deport Latinos and cancel people’s health care non-stop. They’ve been chugging pitchers of red Kool-Aid for seven years and clowning on people like Speakers of the House John Boehner and Paul Ryan for being too moderate. What a bunch of tools.

GOP Part Scream

Meanwhile, the psycho killer known as Nancy Pelosi has been sharpening her knife ever since being crushed in 2010. She is closing in FAST and ready for a massacre.

scream killer

PS, I guarantee Democrats control the House after this election.

house ds

Second, if a horror movie is good, usually the killing happens in the suburbs. I, for one, think that all scary movies in the boonies suck. The best actor in Children of the Corn was the corn. But those idiots were probably onto something, because the only GOP survivors in 2018 are going to be the ones who live in corn fields. Republican districts in cities and suburbs are going to be slaughterhouses, so I’m not trying to bet on any of those races if I don’t have to.

Third, boobs are a huge part of horror movies and this election. I think I speak for all red-blooded American males when I say that 90-percent of the scary movies I watched as a kid, I watched to see naked babes. That’s definitely the only reason to see dumpster fires like Species and Hollow Man.

But boobs are also a big reason why people want to vote. They think that the Republican Party is an ass-slapping boys club that will defend any frat bro that “grab[s] them by the pussy,” (Trump) or is accused of sexual assault (Brett Kavanaugh). Now the Republicans are going to get de-balled by women, who prefer Democrats by a 23-percent margin. I don’t like facts, but here is one that is true: women are going to shred the GOP worse than Hillary shredded her Benghazi files.

Are the Republicans dead in the House?

Bro, are you kidding? Of course. Mr. Money Bags aka Speaker Paul Ryan is planning for the worst. He just cut-off funding to a bunch of GOP incumbents who are already hiding in the closet from Nancy Pelosi’s big long knife.

paul ryan in closet

Basically, this is the part of the gore-fest where our hero, Jamie Lee Curtis (played by Paul Ryan), has to watch her promiscuous cheerleader friend get owned by a meat clever. It’s a gruesome fact that every horror protag has to deal with, that she has to choose someone to die so she can save everyone else.

Fortunately, we can profit. Paul Ryan and the House GOP are running. They are trying to escape the Republican House of Horrors. But there’s a lot of them that are going to get gored before they get to the door. You should think about betting against them in all of their races.

paul ryan on the run


LOW RISK BETS (80-99 percent odds)

[PA-17] – Keith Rothfus (R) vs. Conor Lamb (D)

[PA-06] – Greg McCauley (R) vs. Chrissy Houlihan (D)

*[VA-10] – Barbara Comstock (R) vs. Jennifer Wexton (D)

MEDIUM RISK BETS (60-79 percent odds and/or liberal states)

*[IL-6] – Peter Roskam (R) vs. Sean Casten (D)

*[CA-45] – Mimi Walters (R) vs. Katie Porter (D)

[CA-25] – Steve Knight (R) vs. Katie Hill (D)

HIGH RISK BETS (40-65 percent odds and/or conservative states)

[FL-27] – Maria Salazar (R) vs. Donna Shalala (D)

[CA-48] – Dana Rohrbacher (R) vs. Harley Rouda (D)

[PA-08] – Mike Fitzpatrick (R) vs. Scott Wallace (D)

[NJ-07] – Leonard Lance (R) vs. Tom Mallinowski (D)

**[TX-32] – Pete Sessions (R) vs. Colin Alred (D)

[TX-7] – John Culberson (R) vs. Lizzie Pinnell Fletcher (D)


*races I am betting on a Dem win

**races I am betting on an R win.

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