Listen up, you animals. The details of this election are still an absolute mess. I, for one, think that there is more clarity in a disemboweled Chipotle burrito than what’s going on in some of these House races. If you think you know what’s going on in Orange County, you are liar. And if you even try to tell me you know what’s up in Florida politics, then you are obviously high on bath salts and about to get arrested on Cops.
However, I can guarantee you that the Democrats are going to win the House of Representatives, which means it’s time to chase some real alpha and get into the Congressional Party Leadership markets that will pay you out in January.
Let’s tackle the alpha dog today: who will be the next Speaker of the House? To make my argument, I’m going to tell you a story.
FANCY, THE SAN FRANCISCO MOUSE WHO CRUSHED THE 2018 ELECTION
There once was a little mouse from San Francisco named Fancy.
This little mouse raised $600 million for the Democratic party, took over the House of Representatives in 2006, passed Obamacare in 2010, and won back the House from the Republicans in 2018 while all the other little Democratic mice said mean things about her so that they could get re-elected. All the while, Fancy bankrolled their campaigns and stood by their side, because she was a team player. Then, after the election, the other Democratic mice thanked Fancy by taking away her job as party leader, and elected someone else Speaker of the House. Fancy the Mouse went home to San Francisco and was very sad. The end.
Obviously, that story is completely made up because mice don’t have opposable thumbs to count fundraising dollars with, and because no political party in history has slammed the door on someone like Nancy Pelosi.
In June, the fake news media asked Minority Leader Pelosi if she was worried about getting knocked-off in an Alex Ocasio-Cortez-style putsch when it came time to pick the next Democratic Leader. Pelosi, who is a total savage, answered with fighting words for the Woke Left: “I am female. I am progressive. What’s your problem?”
Or, as one of California’s other all-time-great statesmen said in his Oscar-nominated performance in Commando:
Personally, I would rather run against a cheetah than Nancy Pelosi. She is a winner. And she is going to win the Speaker of the House’s gavel in January. I’ve been accumulating shares in this market for months and you should too.
And if you are seriously worried that the Alex Ocasio-Cortez wing of the party will stage a successful sit-in to stop this, I can’t help you because you were raised by wolves. But you can help yourself by hedging on Rep. Ben Lujon and Rep. Cherri Bustos as the next Speaker for 2 cents each. They are the only viable alternatives to Pelosi. Rep. Steny Hoyer is too old and white to lead the Democratic Party today; and Rep. Jim Clyburn, though a minority, was already passed-over in 2010.
This is Nancy Pelosi’s race to lose– and she won’t be losing it.
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