There are a few ways to truly judge a man’s worth: the car you drive, the house you live in, and the number of total strangers who send you DMs about stupid bets they’re willing to make on the 2018 midterms. Well, I may be poor on #1 and #2, but as of today, I have an embarrassment of riches in the creepers department. Check out what bounced into my inbox from a Star Spangled Gamblers podcast listener who identifies himself only as Zoltar-the-All-Knowing. Read the fine print:
My natural reaction was to think that Zoltar was either catfishing me or trying to steal my Fortnite password (barking up the wrong tree there, bro); but I eventually gave in to curiosity. I answered his polite inquiry.
Soon after, I discovered this in my email:
“The goods?” What is this, Berlin in the ’80s? Actually, on second thought, this blog lives on clicks from sickos like Zoltar. So, hell yeah, I’m in.
I present to you, Zoltar-the-All-Knowing (you’ve been doxed, bro):
I’ll let him take it from here:
Zoltar-the-All-Knowing’s Carolina Reaper Senate Triple Max-Out Challenge
“Which Party will control the Senate after midterms?
GOP wins Senate easily and gains a few seats in the process. If you max out buy (1) GOP ‘Yes’ shares, (2) Dem ‘No’ shares, and then (3) Dem 49 or less Senate seats ‘Yes’ shares…you will be staring directly into the eyes of what’s known as a TRIPLE MAX OUT. Only people with balls the size of ostrich eggs attempt this feat. Its science. Pull the trigger and take some solace in the fact that, should I lead you astray on this pick, you will get to watch a Carolina Reaper melt my face off. I will eat it raw and on camera.”
Zoltar, I don’t have that kind of coin to kick around, but I’ll take you up on the challenge. If the Rs lose the Senate, I will join you in eating something truly horrifying on camera.
To be clear, and as a matter of emphasis, this post constitutes an official KEENDAWG and ZOLTAR endorsement of the YES shares for the various forms of the “Will the Republicans win the Senate” markets and our public declaration that we will post footage of each of us eating a Carolina Reaper raw if it does not.
Hopefully, I’ll be putting my money where my mouth is, and not one of these absolute monsters:
P.S, If I end up dead or missing, please alert the authorities to these communications. Ha ha, just kidding, Zoltar (no I’m not).
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