I am a big believer in giving the people what they want. For the last six weeks, I thought I had been doing this by giving them free money.
But apparently, that is not enough. The people want exciting ways to lose their money, too. Normally, my recommendation for this would be to lock yourself into a safe place, read Robert Downey, Jr.’s Wikipedia page, and attempt to do at least one of the things that he’s been arrested for.
However, it’s election season, so I’ll stay on theme. Here is a longshot pick to get your rocks-off with the hope of a massive payout… that will probably never happen.
JOHN JAMES (R-MI) – GIANT KILLER & PRIMO LONGSHOT
If you have a gambling addiction, then I would recommend betting on John James to defeat Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) in the Second Annual Michigan Electoral Shocker.
A lot of people like to clown on Michigan for being purposeless now that Detroit car companies are getting smoked by the Japanese and Koreans; but I, for one, think that the people in the Wolverine State were onto something when they elected Donald Trump. It’s not politics, it’s branding, because Michigan has re-invented itself as the Shocker State and the rest of us are still playing catchup.
Think about it. First, it was Eminem inventing white rap. Then, it was Kid Rock who got rich by coining the term “Bawitaba.” Fast forward to 2013, when governor Rick Snyder expelled the Detroit city government and appointed an “emergency manager” to tune-up the Motor City’s bankrupt finances.
WTF? Is that even a job? Inventing a whole new government for a city of 3 million people is a total Saddam Hussein move. What a savage.
Back to the point. Lately, Michigan has really gone full-tilt on the weird. In 2014, we learned that Michael Moore has been dumping lead into the City of Flint’s water supply; and in 2016, Michiganders picked Donald Trump for President, which was pretty much the worst thing to happen to the Democratic Party since Alec Baldwin.
These incredibly shocking events are happening more and faster, so I am convinced that Michigan will destroy our expectations again in this election. That is why I am telling you animals that there is a shot that John James beats Sen. Debbie Stabenow.
For a while, crazy people watching this race have been saying that a black Republican, like James, could steal the African-American vote in Detroit. One of those crazy people is President Trump, who has been running his mouth about a Fox News poll that has him at 40-percent approval among African-Americans. Part of this is fake news: the poll was conducted by Rasmussen, which has a longer history of tilting Republican than ExxonMobil; but I feel good enough about it to risk a few bucks, especially since incumbent Democrat Debbie Stabenow is best known for freezing herself in ice for the first five years of her Senate terms, then unthawing herself during the sixth year to seek re-election.
Anyway, since this market is trading at 16-cents a share, a little semi-fake news, a dangerous gambling addiction, and an alarming trend of absolute shockers in recent Michigan elections are all the reasons I need to get in. If it’s a bad day, I’ll lose a few bucks, max. If it’s a good day, I’ll turn the quarters I found under my couch into enough cheese to buy a new Pontiac.
OKAY, but seriously, the smart thing to do is buy Stabenow YES shares. She’s probably going to win and the odds are pretty attractive for an almost sure thing this late in the game. The only thing keeping the price in the 80s is the conspiracy theory documented above.