SSG Family Feud: Cohen Will Testify– Unless Everyone on Earth is a Lying Sack of Sh*t

Here’s what I have been able to confirm so far about Michael Cohen’s imminent testimony before Congress.

Cohen Testify Market

(1) the public hearing set for February 7th and cancelled by Michael Cohen will take place and has officially been re-set for a new date. However, both Elijah Cummings (chair of the House Oversight Committee that will hold the public hearing) and Lanny Davis (Cohen’s lawyer) have refused to confirm the specific date for Cohen’s public hearing when asked for the specific date of Cohen’s public hearing by reporters.

(2) Cohen’s public testimony will take place “this month” (based on statements by both Lanny Davis and Elijah Cummings).

cummings tweetcohen 1

(4) a February 20th filing from Cohen’s legal team states that, “Mr. Cohen anticipates being called to to testify before (3) Congressional Committees at the end of the month.”

cohen filing

(5) every source responsible for the above information is unreliable and full of shit.

So what does this all mean? The sobering reality is that everyone involved in this debacle could literally be a pathological liar capable of scheduling and postponing hearings before Congress on four consecutive occasions in a single month, while providing excuses to Congress and the national media each time that are clearly untrue. In other words, this market is going to be a political version of liars dice where everything you hear from every person involved every time they have said something this month has a solid chance of being entirely and intentionally untrue. .

I, for one, am going to bet that there is a limit to the levels of dishonesty mankind is capable of. Stated more directly, I believe that everyone involved in the scheduling of Cohen hearings before Congress has been lying in every time they’ve said anything publicly about this matter so far this month…. However, the recent statements from Lanny Davis (repeatedly confirming that Cohen’s public hearing will take place “this month”) and Elijah Cummings (telling a reporter that the fact that Cohen’s testimony will take place this month is “as sure as the day becomes night”) are actually true.  I have provided a Lanny Davis video montage of his recent interview below so that everyone can watch and fully appreciate that, if I am wrong and Lanny Davis is still lying, the only plausible explanation can be that Mr. Davis is, in fact, the antichrist.  If so, the end days will soon be upon us all and you should direct your focus on establishing a clan to survive the imminent apocalypse instead of the money you lost on this market.

Speaking of which, in recognition of the sobering fact that the above referenced doomsday scenario is well within the realm of legitimate possibility, I must recommend no more than a medium play on Yes shares for this market.  Moreover, I cannot, in good faith, allow this play to be an official Zoltar pick.  So all you cucks and haters (I’m looking at you iSavage) can hold onto your Carolina Reapers for now.  The almighty Zoltar will simply not risk public humiliation and gastro-intestinal bypass upon the word of Lanny Davis or Elijah Cummings. Instead you’ll get your Carolina Reaper picks in the near future. Meanwhile, I am going to risk a month’s worth of orange fitness theory classes that I would have likely skipped anyways so I could eat cheese pizza and get juiced up on some nasty 4 team March Madness parlay action on a few colleges that I’ve never heard of before.

Until next time, remember that gambling is a disease, but its the only disease where you can make a bunch of money!

ZOLTAR.

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