As promised, we are continuing our series on the child stars of the Democratic Party, who are challenging their elders for control over the political left.
Today we are going to talk about Rep. Alex Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who astounded political junkies when she unseated longtime Rep. Joe Crowley (D-NY) in the 2018 Democratic Primary. Last week we told you that presidential candidate Andrew Yang was a regular Kylie Jenner. This week I am here to tell you that that his politician:
Is in serious danger of becoming this actress:
That’s right. Rep. Alex Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is on Lindsay Lohan’s path to stardom… and doom.
Let me explain. Just like AOC, Lindsay Lohan was a star from day one and was woke AF. She used her power to liberate a historically oppressed group known as “Gingers,” who you used to be able to make fun of for being funny looking and sunburned most of the year. However, Lohan’s performance in Mean Girls changed all of that because she was an absolute smokeshow who defeated blond bully “Regina George” in a battle for social control over her fictitious high school. This helped Americans get woke to the fact that that ginger women could be beautiful too, so Mean Girls is definitely one of my favorite social justice films.
As most of you know, Alex Ocasio-Cortez is also extremely woke. Among other things, she has paved the way for another historically oppressed group to be a part of public life. That group is Socialists, who Americans used to think were only appealing to three types of people: (1) members of the Chinese armed forces; (2) Latin American farmers participating in a peasant rebellion; and (3) Senators from Vermont who look like senile beekeepers.
But ever since Rep. Alex Ocasio-Cortez’s rise, Socialism has become cool for young people and is now associated with having a massively monetizable Instagram following. There is honestly no one I can think of in history who has made getting screwed-over look like a more desirable lifestyle than AOC, who is a total babe and who has branded herself as the #1 Twitter troll of the hardcore Left.
However, this is causing her problems too; and I am absolutely terrified that Ocasio-Cortez’s newfound political and cultural power is causing her to spin out of control faster than Lindsay Lohan did after discovering cocaine.
Here is something that is a fact: both stars made truly terrible career choices after their breakthrough performances. Lohan followed Mean Girls with Herbie: Fully Loaded, which bombed worse than Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign and was at least six times more boring. Meanwhile, after becoming a U.S. Congresswoman and a top social media influencer at the age of 29, Ocasio-Cortez turned her attention towards authoring The Green New Deal, which is the Democratic Party’s biggest embarrassment since losing Wisconsin to Donald Trump in 2016.
That is because this legislation was so poorly thought-out that the GOP Godfather Mitch McConnell put it on the fast-track for a Senate vote in order to embarrass Senate Democrats.
Chicago Mayor and former Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel had this to say about the Green New Deal:
“Earth to Democrats: Republicans are telling you something when they gleefully schedule votes on proposals like the Green New Deal, Medicare for all, and a 70 percent marginal tax rate. When they’re more eager to vote on the Democratic agenda than we are, we should take a step back and ask ourselves whether we’re inadvertently letting the political battle play out on their turf rather than our own. If Trump’s only hope for winning a second term turns on his ability to paint us as socialists, we shouldn’t play to type.”
Unfortunately for Democrats, Ocasio-Cortez won’t come out of her trailer to listen. She has refused to take this performance note from the director of Barack Obama’s first term and is just ad-libbing lines in front of any camera pointed her way. She’s juiced-up suspicions that Progressive Democrats are anti-semites by referring to Israel’s “occupation” of Palestine and defending Rep. Ilhan Omar’s (D-MN) statement that the USA supports Israel because Jewish people bribe it to; she’s been a vocal supporter of abolishing ICE; and she has made a some jumbo gaffes that would make George W. Bush and Joe Biden proud, like saying that the world will end in 12 years due to climate change.
Even worse, if you believe the tabloids, AOC’s campaign might have gotten a big burst of energy from a federally-controlled substance known as “campaign cash,” which a recent Federal Election Commission (FEC) complaint alleges that Ocasio-Cortez was snorting off of the rails of democracy without regard for its origin, destination, or legality. This lawsuit claims that Ocasio-Cortez let donor contributions slosh around between her boyfriend, her campaign, and the PACs supporting it; and if true, it proves that this starlet has surrounded herself with unprofessional yes men who are more interested in leaching-off her fame than shaping her career.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen this movie before: a once-in-a-generation talent like Alex Ocasio-Cortez’s gets a taste of celebrity before she’s ready for it. Then, a few years later, she is spinning out of control and getting high every night off the rush of 50,000 Twitter likes from fellow [political] junkies. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to the multiple Democrats who have tried to stage interventions with her and her other colleagues who have been trying to get control over her through tough love, such as encouraging the New York Delegation to get rid of Ocasio-Cortez’s Congressional district after the next census. All of this is extremely painful for me to watch, but the pattern is undeniable: Alex Ocasio-Cortez’s dangerous addiction to the public’s attention is pushing her down the path of a child star gone wrong.
But how do we profit?
I’m glad you asked. There are two markets available to bet on AOC’s career. The first one is whether or not she will win her primary in 2020.
First of all, there are only two ways that Ocasio-Cortez won’t win this race: if she dies before the age of 30 or if she goes to prison for campaign finance violations. I rate both of these as highly-unlikely scenarios.
The first reason why is that skinny Millennial women with high-paying jobs generally don’t have to worry about dying in their 20s. The second reason is that the campaign finance allegations lodged against her definitely have political motives behind them and are extremely convoluted. Furthermore, ethics problems have never stopped big city Democrats from getting re-elected. That’s because Democratic voters in cities like New York have more than 100 years of training in accepting political corruption. From Tammany Hall in New York, to the Daleys in Chicago, to Rep. Maxine Waters in Los Angeles, big city Democrats have mastered the art of corruption and their voters have embraced it for generations. Therefore, I wouldn’t waste a minute worrying about a potential FEC probe derailing Ocasio-Cortez’s career. Voters will never punish her for this — only a jury of her peers can do that — and I highly doubt that a politically-motivated hack job like this will stand up in court.
Buy YES for anything under 90.
The second place you can bet on AOC is in the total votes for Green New Deal marketplace
Every press report shows that Democrats are running away from this bill faster than Republicans do whenever they get close to being able to balance the budget or repeal Obamacare. PredictIt traders are giving the Green New Deal a 99 percent chance of getting fewer than 20 votes. Hopefully you placed your bet on this while there was still value to be had — I for one did not and am now more depressed than I was when Kramer from Seinfeld turned out to be more racist than the whole cast of Duck Dynasty combined.
But you know what, that’s Hollywood. And if AOC doesn’t clean up her act soon, she is going to be playing $5 shows at Indian casinos too.