I have been trying as hard as possible not to watch the news lately because there is a zero percent chance that anything interesting is going on. That is because hurricane season isn’t for another four months and the USA has taken a brief hiatus from bombing foreign countries. However, it is impossible to ignore that South Bend, Indiana’s mayor Pete Buttigieg is having a massively good month as he teases the possibility of running for President. PredictIt’s traders have picked-up on this and Mayor Pete’s shares have spiked Andrew Yang style.
This took many political pundits by surprise, mostly because only about 4 percent of Americans know how to pronounce Buttigieg’s name, which is only slightly higher than the number of journalists who know where South Bend is. But what really gets me fired-up about Mayor Pete is what an alpha move running for president would be for him, given that in the last 50 years, there have been the same number of serious presidential candidates who were mayors (2) as there were platinum-selling country singles from the rapper Nelly.
Those two mayors were John Lindsay (1968 and 1972) and Rudy Giuliani (2008), both of whom were the bosses of New York City, which is the center of a region that has about the same GDP as Canada and whose five boroughs have the same population as Switzerland. Mayor Pete comes from South Bend, Indiana, which is the center of a region that has about the same GDP and population as The Gap ($12 billion, 140,000 employees).
Some of you may wonder why being in charge of a city this size makes you presidential material. I personally reacted to this information by thinking that Mayor Pete should run for CEO of Forever 21 first. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am in the wrong and ignoring the facts of history. That is because Pete Buttigieg is actually way more like Andrew Jackson than anyone else in the 2020 Democratic field, and Andrew Jackson is the single most alpha president in history. He earned this reputation by defeating the British in the War of 1812 and then taking a victory lap in Florida, where he massively cucked Congress by conquering the Spanish colony there without DC’s permission. Jackson was such a savage that his men nicknamed him, “Old Hickory” after the wood that he gave them lashes with if they acted like betas and didn’t clown their enemies in battle.
That said, Andrew Jackson wasn’t just an army warrior. He was also a Social Justice Warrior. Before him, running for President was all about coming from a rich English family in Massachusetts or Virginia, and being tall and/or a war hero. Andrew Jackson absolutely shattered through this glass ceiling because he was a tall, white, war hero from Tennessee who didn’t inherit any money and had to make his own fortune — a fact that massively pissed off his opponents. Old Hickory got the last laugh though. He sent the haters on a trail of political tears, because to this day Andrew Jackson’s name is synonymous with “equality,” thanks to his actions to extend suffrage to all white men and to dismantle institutions like the Bank of the United States that were mean to poor people. Most Democratic Party organizations still call their annual political prom a “Jefferson-Jackson Dinner” in honor of him and Thomas Jefferson, who together laid the foundations for modern Liberalism.
More importantly, Andrew Jackson basically opened the door to the enormous diversity we now have among American presidents, who, over the generations, have added more and more inter-sectional identities to the construct of “White House material.” Jackson initiated westerners who were rich, white, war heroes into the Presidential franchise (Harrison, Tyler, Taylor). Next came westerners who who were war heroes with mental health issues (Ulysses S. Grant); which naturally begat rich, white, war heroes with physical disabilities (Franklin Delano Roosevelt). Then came Catholics who were rich, white, war heroes with terrible back pain (John F. Kennedy). And as all of you monsters know, JFK began the age of television, which greased the skids for a totally new type of president: tall, white men who got rich by playing war heroes in the movies (Ronald Reagan). This brought Andrew Jackson’s presidential tree to its logical endpoint: rich, white men who had completely phony military records (Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Donald Trump) and were too lazy to fake being a soldier on the big screen.
That is why I think that Mayor Pete is actually Andrew Jackson reaching up from the grave. Mayor Pete is a military veteran. He is also pro-slavery like Andrew Jackson was, as proven by the fact that he got rich at McKinsey & Co., which is a firm that advises clients on how to pay workers subsistence wages or replace them with robots. Mayor Pete also has a 37 year history of being a white man, which checks another important box and proves that he is very consistent. And last but not least, Buttigieg adds a new dimension to the Andrew Jackson presidential paradigm by being openly gay. This is enormously important to a country and a Democratic Party that is obsessed with casting its presidents instead of choosing people who are actually qualified. It is way more important to many Democrats to elect someone who is “diverse” than someone who could be a peer to the likes of Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin, which is one of the reasons why I am bearish on Joe Biden’s chances to win.
Given this truth, I think that people who are throwing shade on Pete Buttigieg’s campaign are total boneheads. There is definitely a path forward for him. His thoughtful, humble, and unifying message has the sauce that might reconnect Christians and the White Working class to the Democratic Party. And like Old Hickory, I am extremely bullish on Mayor Pete’s ability to win battles in a pivotal and contested place like Florida.
That said, I am not spending a penny betting on Buttigieg right now. He is way over-priced at 18 cents per share. Instead, I am actively looking for campaigns that nobody cares about to throw money into. That’s because I am pretty sure that some of the big dogs — Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Kamala Harris — are going to underperform this primary season and that at least one dark horse campaign is going to pop. That means that someone trading down around 3-5 cents, like Gov. John Hickenlooper, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Cory Booker, or Sen. Amy Klobuchar, will jump to a 10-20 cent valuation if they finish in the top two in an early primary. Buttigieg could definitely be that guy, but his stock has already pumped to the max valuation that I think a 2nd or 3rd finish in IA, NH, or SC would earn him, so I see no point in buying now. Basically, at 1-in-5 odds, Mayor Pete YES shares have had more value squeezed out of them than American Pharoah’s pole during stud season.
This is obviously not a smart buy.
Therefore, I’m going to go buy some cheap YES shares on Dem Dark horses. Meet me on the beach in Mexico when one of them jumps from 5 cents to 20. I’ll be the guy slamming beers out of a coconut.