Let’s Get Caught Up on Brexit, Lads

I have been getting all caught-up on the Brexit power struggle inside the United Kingdom (UK) so that I can bet on who will replace Theresa May as the next Prime Minister and Leader of the Conservative Party.

However, it turns out that this is a complicated thing to gamble on, due to the fact that the UK is a whole other country and has some extremely strange history to understand. The good news is that I have seen two Austin Powers movies and I used to smoke Parliaments, so I have a very strong foundation in British culture. I also have had some friends of the blog brief me on how their parliamentary system of government works and why only people with hilarious names like “Jacob Rees-Mogg” and “Andrea Leadsom” run for office there.

That said, I really can’t emphasize enough how different the UK is from the USA. There is just no safe way to bet on their politics without understanding their history. Here are some key facts about that to consider.

FACTS ABOUT THE UK – History & Culture

UK MAP

— British people have a long history of thinking that Europe’s rules don’t apply to them. They are actually a very courageous nation that proves that stereotypes are not true. Unlike most Europeans, the British are terrible cooks who drink beer, not wine, and believe that actually having a job is important. They are truly an independent lot.

— IMO, this tradition of independence really took off with King Henry VIII. Back in the day, King Henry’s wife was a total zero and refused to get knocked up. This made Henry want to plug a hot young smoke named Ann Boleyn, but the Pope wouldn’t let him.

So King Henry pulled one of the all-time most alpha moves and just told the Pope to fuck off. He gave a funny hat to the Archbishop of Canterbury and told him he was the pope of a new church which he called, “The Church of England.” This accelerated Britain’s long tradition of having separate institutions from the rest of Europe and being skeptical of central authorities like Popes and European Unions.

— After that, the English basically pulled a Norte Dame football and announced that they were way better than everyone else and would not be joining a conference in Europe. They basically just chilled and wove tapestries for the next 100+ years.

— Meanwhile, the Brits made their dough by trading these tapestries with the European Continent. In exchange, the Germans taught them how to get better at war, which was a huge mistake.

Image result for germany bombed wwii

But they eventually got the last laugh.

Image result for germany world cup win

— More importantly, the Spanish and Dutch taught the British how to sail to America, Asia, and India and build an Empire. In exchange, they also got soccer, which they perfected while the English mastered the game of global domination. The colonies made lots of people rich for centuries and for a while the British Empire, like Norte Dame, really was as good as its fans claimed. But two of Britain’s best inventions – the USA and industrial-scale global warfare, slowly cucked it out of its empire over the last 100 years.

— Now the British Empire is dead. But it is still exactly the same as Norte Dame football: everyone there thinks it is cool because it used to be the world #1, but really it is only slightly more relevant than Texas or Southern Cal.

— The truth is that the modern UK is seriously strung out by national decline. It is an ugly situation and people are absolutely famished from it.

— Poverty is everywhere in the UK. You can tell how poor the people there are because the most famous building is just a big clock due to the fact that no one can afford a watch.

homeless big ben

People in the UK also have to use a bunch of rocks for a calendar. 

Image result for stonehenge

And are so broke that they still ride around in horses and buggies.

Queen Elizabeth waves in the 1902 State Landau carriage as she leads a carriage procession through London

— Furthermore, after more than 1500 years of preventing a foreign army from crossing the English Channel, Britain has been invaded by people from India, Pakistan, Syria, Turkey, Russia, Eastern Europe, and Saudi Arabia. This is a huge reason why people from the UK decided to leave the EU — because a lot of them were seriously butt hurt about how many immigrants were coming from places where people don’t have silly names like “Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

— The bad news is that ever since Brexit, British politics have been more frozen than British etiquetteOutgoing Prime Minister Theresa May hasn’t been able to convince Parliament to commit to a plan to actually leave the EU, so she has made an alpha move by resigning and telling Britons that they can put Humpty Dumpty back together again while she slams beers and watches some rowing.

— Because of this, there will be an election to replace her as PM and Conservative Party Leader this summer. I will absolutely bathe you in details about this in my next post.

— Neither May’s Conservative Party nor the Jeremy Corbyn-led opposition (Labour) has a clear point of view on what to do next. Both parties are more broken-up on how to deal with Brexit than Liam and Noel Gallagher.

— The upcoming election is going to be must-see TV.

Check back tomorrow for our advice on how to bet and profit from the absolutely anarchy in the UK.

KEENDAWG, DUKE OF ALPHA.

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