Equal Justice Under the Law is Fake News, But Alpha is Not.

equality

As you know, I have been raging all week with my May political gambling winnings, which are worth more than the gold in Fort Knox. The upside of this is that I finally get to spend a week smoking and drinking more than John Boehner during a budget crisis.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The downside is that I have had less time to devote to being a genius forecaster due to my daily hangovers, which are slaughtering my productivity more than Obamacare slaughtered the Democrats from 2010-2016.

However, if there is one thing I have learned from gambling on politics, it is what the definition of a true leader is. True leaders aren’t geniuses like me who can see the future. True leaders are people like Rep. Adam Schiff and President Donald Trump, who are basically wrong about everything, but people follow anyway. That is the definition of an alpha. Yes, I 100-percent enjoy being the smartest person in the room. I get absolutely lit every time I remember to wear my cargo pants to the Olive Garden, because their bread sticks fold perfectly into my side pockets. But do I think that this makes me a legend the way that being consistently wrong makes people like Adam Schiff and Donald Trump a legend? Absolutely not.

I am not going to cry about this little bit of injustice. Instead, I am going to make money off of it. Because the world isn’t fair and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can profit off of it, which is the American way. Pratik Chougule, author of How to Make Money in Political Prediction Markets, pointed out one such opportunity to bet on possible injustice. It is this market that asks whether or not former-CIA Director John Brennan should be worried about going to the slammer.

img_0882

Are you kidding? I have no idea whether or not John Brennan was naughty at the CIA. But people as important as him never get in trouble. They are 100 percent above the law.

That said, my legal training is very limited and I would never tell you to bet your money unless the facts are on my side. So I called Zoltar, who is an actual lawyer, on the money line. He called me back a few hours later but I let it ring since I was busy teaching my neighbor’s kids how to extinguish a gasoline fire. He left a pretty savage voicemail about John Brennan that I will share with you here. It gets interesting.

WHAT!!!??? Did you hear that!!??

I will be completely honest and say that while I was not surprised to learn that Zoltar hangs out with retired meth dealers, I was pretty blown away to hear that this one in particular had done time with Michael Cohen. It gets even better.

BTW, someone please tweet at Zoltar (@truthbomber_) and let him know that it’s the Fyre Festical, not the Fry Festival. That is just embarrassing.

So there you have it: two predictions: (1) John Brennan isn’t getting charged (Zoltar says it’s not a lock, but having been advised by my lawyer, I’m taking that risk); and (2) we’re going to do a podcast with Pablo, friend of Zoltar, retired meth dealer, and one-time cell mate with Michael Cohen. You just can’t make this up.

brennan no

KEENDAWG.

PS, if you want to look for someone who could get charged, check out Andrew McCabe. That bro is not rich, famous, or connected enough to be above the law.

Liked it? Take a second to support Keendawg on Patreon!

2 thoughts

  1. So Zoltar is a real person! I am going to listen to these recordings later, when I am not busy watching political talk shows! McCabe isn’t getting indicted. Neither is James Comey, John Brennan, Hillary Clinton, DJTJ, Huma, or Jared. You’re welcome!

  2. I bring my own pop to the cinema so I don’t have to pay $5 for one from the concession stands. Boo-yah! I’ve never gotten stopped by the ticket taker…half the time the cinema is so understaffed, they don’t even have a ticket taker. And I have been known to hide in the bathroom until a few minutes before the start of the 2nd film that I want to see—double feature for the price of one!

Leave a Reply