Yesterday I gave you some very boring but important instructions on how to cook a feast of cash during next Wednesday and Thursday’s Democratic Party debates. If you recall, we are trying to play the pump-and-dump game by picking some total bums in the Democratic field who we think can sparkle for one night and explode in price, and then serve them to dupes on a silver platter for a quick profit. The end point of our discussion was the exit price that we think is right, and what we landed on (in most cases) was 13 cents. Now we need to plan for the other side of this operation, which is the harder part– buying the ingredients and choosing the menu.
Let’s take another look at the Democratic Party lineup before I show you what Keendawg’s Grill is serving.
Here we go:
JUNE 26 & 27, 2019
JOE BIDEN (26 cents), ELIZABETH WARREN (21 cents).
Elizabeth Warren is trading at an all-time high, and as the frontrunner, Biden can’t do anything other than disappoint on Thursday.
KEENDAWG Says: PASS. At these prices, both candidates are just expensive dishes that will leave you and your bank account hungry.
USDA PRIME STEAKS
BERNIE SANDERS (17 cents), PETE BUTTIGIEG (15 cents)
Red meat sales have been in a slump lately and so have these candidates. I predict that the Bernie Bros will eventually drive Sanders’ price back up again; and Mayor Pete will probably impress people on Thursday by being one of the only candidates that doesn’t talk like a robot programmed to sound like Alex Ocasio-Cortez’s Twitter page.
KEENDAWG SAYS: One campaign that’s overcooked (Bernie), one that’s under-cooked (Buttigieg). There is probably some short-term value to squeeze out of Buttigieg at 15, but I don’t recommend that pricey of a buy for a quick flip. Honestly, at this point, I don’t think either is a good staple for your diet. Let’s revisit in the fall.
MARKET FRESH SEAFOOD
SEN. KAMALA HARRIS (11 cents)
I am surprised by how little love the Ds are showing Kamala. She is multi-racial, woke AF, and an absolute ATM when it comes to fundraising. Maybe they are taking her for granted, like that salmon salad hidden in the lower-right hand corner of the menu.
KEENDAWG SAYS: Buy some shares and hold– I have. 11 cents is a steal and Harris’s fortunes will turn at some point. That said, Kamala isn’t going to charm anyone on the debate stage. Throw this former prosecutor into a 10-man scrum and what you’re going to see is her, elbows up, bashing Beto and Biden in the chin.
ANDREW YANG (13 cents)
There are a ton of YangBucks pumping on PredictIt right now and I think it is entirely possible that a good performance could push his valuation towards 20. Yang’s views on Universal Basic Income (UBI) are as fresh and threatening to Average Joe Americans as raw sushi was in the 80s. That alone is guaranteed to get people talking.
KEENDAWG SAYS: This is one of the hardest calls to make. Yang is guaranteed to stick out but I personally think he is getting hosed by going on the second night. By then, the narrative will be focused on (1) what happened the night before; and (2) whether or not Joe Biden hit the weight room hard enough during the off season. Also Yang is completely untested outside of Reddit.
WINES AND SPIRITS
SEN. CORY BOOKER ( 5 cents), SEN. AMY KLOUBACHAR (3 cents), and YOUTUBE STAR BETO O’ROURKE (5 cents)
Three superb candidates who are all fighting the limitations of Democratic voters’ political palate.
For Beto O’Rourke, questions remain as to whether he’s spent enough time aging in the barrel.
For Cory Booker, questions remain regarding whether he’s a worthy vintage of wine or just a Trader Joe’s knock-off of a California Red, like Kamala Harris.
For Amy Kloubachar, questions remain regarding whether or not her brand of polished, inoffensive gin is something that Democratic voters even want to buy anymore.
KEENDAWG SAYS: I’ve been long Kloubachar at 4 cents for a while, which feels a little rich. If you can get a 3 or 4 cent yes on any of them, that’s a shot worth taking. Don’t buy across the board though– your gains on one won’t cover losses on the other two.
OVER-PRICED HIPSTER IPA’S
REP. TULSI GABBARD (3 cents)
Rep. Gabbard gets a boost because she’s a smokeshow who is also a veteran, but the only flavor I really get from her is bitter… towards Trump. She also has a weird relationship with anti-semitism and is the only Presidential candidate who is on a first-name basis with Syrian dictator Bashir al Asad. Voters will be drawn to this IPA because of its packaging but don’t expect them to return for seconds.
KEENDAWG SAYS: The only way that I could possibly recommend a buy here is if Rep. Gabbard gave me her personal cell phone number and invited me over for a few RBVs. PS, Tulsi, if you are reading — would ya?
HAPPY HOUR CHICKEN QUESADILLAS
GOV. JOHN HICKENLOOPER (CO) & SEN. MICHAEL BENNET (CO) – 2 cents
What is better than a happy hour quesadilla? Crazy as it might sound, I think that Gov. John Hickenlooper and Sen. Michael Bennet might be cooking on a griddle of affordability, over a fire of political possibility. The “experts” have circled purple state governor Gov. John Hickenlooper for years as a possible breakout candidate and Sen. Michael Bennet has quietly grown himself into one of the biggest players inside of the Senate. He chaired the DSCC and gave one of the most persuasive takedowns of Ted Cruz I have ever heard.
KEENDAWG SAYS: BUY. I am loving both of these candidates to catch a post-debate pump. I have been long Hickenlooper for a while at 2 cents and am thinking my next move is to hop on the Bennet train at 1, if I can. Might even play at 2.
PUB FOOD THAT RISKS SUCKING ASS
GOV. JAY INSLEE (1 cent)
Gov. Jay Inslee is basically the ugly duckling of the Democratic establishment. He was a pretty average Congressman and has succeeded in falling upwards into the governor’s mansion in Olympia. However, in Inslee’s favor is the fact that he is one of the top warriors when it comes to defending planet earth from climate change. But tbh, I’m not sure that matters because 99 percent of the Democratic field is currently singing this song in the shower and thinking about the Green New Deal as they reach for the moisturizer.
KEENDAWG SAYS: PASS. Inslee is like some horrible grain bowl made out of quinoa, kale, and whatever else is trendy on the Leftcoast. It’s all the right ingredients for his clientele but mixed up in the wrong proportions. Maybe he’ll turn it around– I doubt by Thursday though.
SEN. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND (1 cent)
Like an Applebee’s meat patty stuck between stale buns, Sen. Gillibrand has been one of the biggest disappointments in the Democratic field. She has tried-on more personalities than Hilary Clinton and even though she represents the third most populous state in the country, she can’t even get her shit together to find 65,000 donors. Her presidential campaign reminds me of a burned nugget of beef slathered in some dumb honey-bourbon sauce to cover-up the fact that everything about this dish is wrong.
KEENDAWG SAYS: PASS. Gillibrand is a candidate with a lot of potential who can’t find her lane. I’m not willing to bet my own money that that changes in the next week.
BEEF BONES, BREAD ENDS, AND OTHER TRASH YOU BRING HOME FOR YOUR DOG
REP. ERIC SWALWELL (D-CA)
Rep. Swalwell biggest splash so far has been his woke AF interview about how he might be “another white guy,” but knows “when to pass the mic.”
I may be "another white guy," but I know where there are gaps in my knowledge or my experience and I know when to pass the mic. pic.twitter.com/jMYBwF97xY
— Eric Swalwell (@ericswalwell) May 27, 2019
Honestly, I am having a hard time seeing the difference between Swalwell and South Park’s PC Principal.
KEENDAWG SAYS: Over-valued at one cent. Swalwell’s rhetoric is so over-sweetened by his wokeness that it could pass for that bullsh*t mall Chinese food that normal people won’t even take a free sample of.
JOHN DELANEY (1 cent)
Nothingburger. John Delaney is such a loser that he looks at my Instagram stories. Full stop.
KEENDAWG SAYS: Pass.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON (1 cent)
Williamson reminds me of an aging hippie selling dreamcatchers at a street fair who overhears you talking about your upcoming vacation to Maine and then proceeds to tell you a 20 minute story about when she summered there in 1974. Every time someone asks her why she is running for president she just filibusters with whatever dumb thoughts are in her brain to disguise her total lack of knowledge and prevent anyone from asking a follow-up question she can’t answer like, “What is the Capital of the United States?”
Also, Williamson looks at my Intagram stories too. LOSER.
KEENDAWG SAYS: HARD PASS.
JULIAN CASTRO (1 cent)
I mean, he worked for Obama and his hispanic, which gives him a mild handicap with Dem primary voters. But…
KEENDAWG SAYS: Nope.
BILL DE BLASIO (1 cent)
This campaign is a joke right?
KEENDAWG SAYS: PASS.