Friends, Monsters, and Animals:
The first round of Democratic debates is over. The Fake News Media (FNM) is going to absolutely light you up with drama about how the race is over for YouTube Star Beto O’Rourke and that Sen. Kamala Harris’s Death Star is almost operational. I will avoid filling your brain with fluff like thatÂ and just say a few things before we move on to this week’s alpha:
–Gambling markets and the FNMÂ all agree that Joe Biden, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, and Sen. Kamala HarrisÂ are the top dogs. This is almost exactly what a 9th grader with Google would have guessed a year ago.
— Bernie Sanders looked seriously old and hasÂ been demotedÂ to the Mayor Pete B-List since wrapping in Miami. I personally am one spot of dandruff on Bernie’s blazerÂ away from shorting him in every primary.
— Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand had a lot to say and looked like a total smoke, but she’s still sitting at 1 percent odds. Similarly, Sen. Cory Booker won the “most words contest” but has actually lostÂ value on PredictIt. These facts don’t line-up at all withÂ Nate Silver’s latest survey. I predict anotherÂ round of gamblers versus pollsters in the future.
— Candidates who tried to be nuanced got absolutely piped. I have honestly never seen human beings harm themselves as mich asÂ YouTube Star Beto O’Rourke, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, and Gov. John Hickenlooper did by trying to be sensible and moderate. Sad!
— Candidates who were weird popped. I have no idea who Marianne Williamson is or what she does (pretty sure she sells bedazzled dream catchers at street fairs in Oregon), but the fact that she was on the same stage as Joe Biden and Kamala Harris says a lot about the respect voters have for the job they are interviewing for.
— RESULTS: Our locks performed great. Our lotto picksÂ did not.Â Sen. Kamala HarrisÂ andÂ Mayor Pete ButtigiegÂ tallied 55 and 14 percent gains; while lotto ticketsÂ Sen. Michael Bennet and Gov. John HickenlooperÂ underwhelmed and are sitting at -12.5% and -50% in our books. That’s okay though, they’re lotto tickets.Â P.S., we also saved you from betting on Andrew Yang pumping in the polls.