RIP Zoltar, RIP U.S. Census

The Citizenship Question on the U.S. Census is dead. So is Zoltar. And so is one of the all-time most epic gambling showdowns in the history of predictive trading. I personally have put my feet up for the last week and just cranked beers while I watched heavyweight traders Zoltar and iSavage slug it out on the question of whether or not the “Citizenship Qestion” will be on the Census. Well, PredictIt jumped in with the old gray box of doom today and absolutely de-balled Zoltar and everyone else (including me) who was holding YES.

rules cuck

What a bummer. Someone tell the refs to let ’em play. I am honestly just sad that Zoltar or iSavage had to lose this one. Truly, we got to witness two greats at the top of their game. But I have become seriously worried about Zoltar due to the fact that he is no longer answering my calls or texts, which makes me think that he is busy auctioning his children off in order to pay whatever debts he incurred to max out YES on the Citizenship Question. This is what the Rules Cuck Panther will do to you. He is a wild animal that eats human flesh.


Anyway, let’s put aside our partisan differences. We can all agree that Zoltar is an American hero. Because of that, I have been thinking a lot about what hero’s death scene in an Oscar-winning film is the one that best represents Zoltar’s defeat.

Let’s look at a few candidates:


Reasons why Zoltar’s death is Billy’s: This is the death Zoltar would want for himself. Also, both he and Billy were killed by an invisible predator lurking in the tropics.


The next death that comes to mind is Gorman and Vasquez’s sacrifice in Aliens, which is the third best movie ever made behind Top Gun and Girls Gone Wild: Halloween House Party.

Reasons why this is how Zoltar died: Some of you may think that Zoltar is a degenerate gambler who pumps his own book for quick profit. I personally disagree. I trust in Zoltar and have been rewarded. That is why there is a very strong argument to be made that Zoltar’s 9th inning pumps in the Census markets were a heroic effort to cover his followers (like me) as they retreated so that they had enough time to sell their YES shares for a gain. Unfortunately, he had to get nuked by his own grenade to do that. Tough business.

Top Gun

First of all, every time I remember that Titanic won 10 Oscars but Top Gun only got 3 (Best Picture, Best Use of Val Kilmer, and Best Beach Volleyball Scene), it makes me want to renounce my U.S. Citizenship permanently and declare war on biodiesel. Secondly, if you think that Zoltar is a bonehead then this is probably the winner for you. He flamed out, held on to a losing position for do long, and wound up getting his head bashed-in when he tried to bail out too late.

But the more I think about it, the more I am sure that this is what happened to Zoltar.

Jurassic Park

Let’s do some analysis:

Is the Rules Cuck Panther a savage, primordial beast that is trying to kill us all? Yes.

Did Zoltar go hunting the Rules Cuck Panther? Yes.

Did he have a massive, heroic kill right in his sites? Yes.

But did the Rules Cuck Panther outflank him at the last second and absolutely eat him alive? 100 percent.

This is basically case closed.

I am not saying that I am an expert but I am pretty sure that Jurassic Park got it right when it comes to accurately depicting the sensation of having your face ripped off by a wild animal. It is always the one you don’t see that gets you. This is an important lesson for all of us to learn in Zoltar’s memory: Live by the Rules Cuck Panther, die by the Rules Cuck Panther.

Well, Zoltar, wherever you are, we will miss you and we love you.


PS — as I wrote this, I received the following from the legend:

Screen Shot 2019-07-23 at 3.26.08 PM

I guess this Phoenix will rise again.


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