July Report Card Brought to You By Quentin Tarantino

Some of you may already know this but I recently found out that it is August, which means it is time for our monthly report card. This also means that the new Quentin Tarantino movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, is out.

I personally am extremely excited to see this movie once my cousin Josh finishes bootlegging it in San Bernardino. It is also why I am dedicating my report card to Pulp Fiction, which is another Quentin Tarantino film and an all-time banger.

The headline for this month’s trading is we are up 9 percent but took some brutal L’s that have made me question the meaning of life. That said, I don’t really like learning so I don’t plan on answering that question or any others. Here we go:

Will the Senate confirm a new U.N. Ambassador by August 31?

My bet: NO @ 46 cents.

Latest action: Bailed out @ 11 cents per share.

Thoughts: Cocaine Mitch (R-KY) sacked my wallet worse than hipsters sacked Brooklyn when he scheduled this vote on July 30, just two days before I was in the money. I am 100 percent becoming an animal rights activist just to get him back by f*cking with the Kentucky Derby.

Will the Citizenship Question be on the 2020 Census?

My bet: YES @ 13.1 cents per share

Latest action: Got out @ 12.9 cents per share

Thoughts: I have trusted in Zoltar before and I will trust in him again but I 100-percent cheated death in this market.

Will Trump issue an executive order for the Census Citizenship Question?

My bet: YES @ 45

Latest action: Sold @ 87 cents.

Thoughts: Easiest bet of 2019. If you were on the wrong side of this one, you need to get woke and/or DM me for help.

Will Robert Mueller say the word, “impeach” during his hearing?

My bet: NO @ 49

Latest action: Sold @ 90

Thoughts: Sometimes I even impress myself.

Will Pete Buttigieg be the Democratic nominee for President?

My bet: YES @ 12 cents

Latest action: Sold @ 12 cents

Thoughts: The only thing more disappointing than Prince William’s hairline was the fact that basically zero people were day trading the last round of Dem debates and I was stuck looking for liquidity inside my beer fridge.

Will Joe Biden be leading the RCP Averages on Aug 1?

My bet: YES @ 73.

Latest action: Sold @ 99.

Thoughts: What a dinger. Friend of the blog, Ravi, found this bag of gold sitting by the roadside and got me seriously fired-up about it. Hit me up on the DMs or on our contact page if you want to talk turkey too.

Will Beto O’Rourke speak Spanish at the Detroit debate?

My bet: YES @ +155 (Bovada bet)

Latest action: Win

Thoughts: There are a lot of people who think Beto O’Rourke is a terrible candidate who can’t learn from his mistakes. That is fake news. He is only a terrible candidate.

Will two or fewer Dems speak Spanish at the Detroit debates?

My bet: NO @ -350 (Bovada bet)

Latest action: Win.

Thoughts: I honestly would feel less guilty clubbing baby seals than beating Bovada’s political lines, that’s how easy it is to make money over there.

How many times will Joe Biden mention Barack Obama’s name?

My bet: NO @ -125 (Bovada bet)

Latest action: PUSH.

Thoughts: You might think it is ridiculous to bet on Obama’s name. I personally think how Uncle Joe positions himself relative to 44 tells us a lot about this election.

Will Joe Biden hug anyone at the debate?

My bet: YES @ -450

Latest action: Win.

Thoughts: I am still waiting for the Biden hit piece where people call him gay due to the fact that he was in the same room as Tulsi Gabbard, Kamala Harris, and Kirsten Gilibrand and didn’t go for some free feels.

KEENDAWG.

Keendawg

Founder. Surfer. Gambler.

Follow him on Twitter at: http://www.twitter.com/keendawg

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