I just watched the CNN/New York Times debate and am shook AF. This is mostly due to the fact that it was incredibly long and Ronald Reagan’s son kept coming on with this ad, which is creepier than ex-HHS Secretary Tom Price’s haircut:
Anyway, one of the great things about this blog is that I follow C-SPAN and the Fake News Media (FNM) so that you do not have to. That said, Tuesday’s Democratic debate was way less boring than the last few, which generally focused on two themes: (1) picking on Joe Biden; (2) arguing over which hand would be better to jerk Barack O’Bama off with. But instead of getting too crazy here, I will summarize the night with one key line from every candidate.
JOE BIDEN – “You did a helluva job in your job.”
I grew a mustache for nine days to prepare for this debate because I was ready to watch a cage match between Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren. But Uncle Joe pulled all of his punches and stayed authentic, aka optimistic and forgetful. Then, at the very end, he got the chance to throw a haymaker at Sen. Warren for being a pipsqueak bureaucrat in the Obama Administration while Uncle Joe was moving more weight down Pennsylvania Avenue than a D.C. Metro train. But instead Biden backed down and told Warren that during the Obama Administration, “You did a helluva job in your job.”
This tells me that Uncle Joe is committed to keeping this campaign optimistic and professional, even if it means getting run over by the Warren Wagon. He is a total player coach, you gotta love it.
ANDREW YANG – “Robot trucks”
Andrew Yang has built his entire campaign around how shook he is about the coming robot automation apocalypse. One of the problems with this approach is that robots are difficult to humanize, as engineers at Amazon and Google already know. So I was glad to see that Andrew Yang tried to put a face on the automation enemy by referring to “Robot Trucks” which are the his version of “Welfare Queens.”
According to Yang, Robot Trucks are coming to the highways ASAP and are going to be putting truck drivers, diner owners, gas stations attendants, and truck stop hookers out of business very soon. I am not very good at science or learning but this seemed like a really smart thought and I am psyched to see where he goes with it.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN – “Medicare for All Who Can Afford It”
Sen. Elizabeth Warren came into DNC Pre-Season Week 4 as the favorite and all the talking heads were yapping about how she would respond to the pressure. The good news for people riding on the Warren Wagon is that in the first quarter of Tuesday’s debate, she immediately picked-up a blindside blitz coming out of the Democratic backfield. The blitzer was Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Mayor Pete said that he thought Warren’s health care plan was fake news and he pointed out that “Medicare for All” was the same as taking away everyone’s private health insurance. Mayor Pete said his health care plan was better and it is called, “Medicare for All Who Want It.”
As usual, Sen. Warren dodged a tackle here by being super wonky but relatable. She pointed out that Mayor Pete’s “Medicare for all Who Want It” was the same as “Medicare for All Who Can Afford It.” I was about to explain why that is but I got really bored thinking about it so just take my word for it. Long story short, this was the 500th time that Sen. Warren slipped out of the pocket before being tackled, extended the play, and used it as a chance to move the ball further down field. Speaking of which…
REP. TULSI GABBARD – “Why Should You Be the Commander in Chief”
Rep. Tusli Gabbard put on her psycho face and came after Sen. Elizabeth Warren with the same legislative meat axe that she hacked Sen. Kamala Harris into kibble-sized pieces with in Detroit.
Rep. Gabbard pointed out that Sen. Warren has less foreign policy experience than the mice inside the U.S. Embassy in Papua New Guinea and basically has no clue what she is even talking about when it comes to national security. This is actually a fact that Sen. Warren would probably admit if you were with her the last time she drank a beer, which is documented here:
Anyway, this was a classic moment because (1) Tulsi Gabbard almost murdered Sen. Warren; but (2) Once again, the FNM protected Sen. Warren by calling a commercial break before she had to answer this hot potato of a question. Like they say, it is better to be lucky than good.
SEN. KAMALA HARRIS – “Dude gotta go.”
Sen. Kamala Harris has been alternating between a few personalities: (1) Woke hardass; (2) Un-woke ex-prosecutor attempting not to be a hardass; and (3) Cool gal you want to crank a few beers with. So far whoever is programming her personality has not gotten the ratio down correctly between the three but Harris’s line about Trump that, “Dude gotta go” was a real flash of what could be with this campaign. This woman should be cool AF. Maybe she needs to be confident enough to get a laugh from the audience and not bury this line — and the better parts of her personality — like she did tonight.
Cory Booker – “THE ELECTION IS NOT A REFERENDUM ON ONE GUY IN OFFICE IT IS A REFERENDUM ON WHO ARE AND WHAT WE ARE TO EACH OTHER… THE PREPARATION IS BEING A LEADER WHO CAN REVIVE CIVIC LEADERSHIP IN AMERICA…”
Cory Booker what the f*ck are you saying? Honestly, no one says less with more than him.
JULIAN CASTRO – “Door-to-Door”
For the 100th time in this campaign, Julian Castro played arch enemy to Beto O’Rourke by saying that confiscating assault weapons would make the police go to “door-to-door” in poor neighborhoods that are already harassed enough by the cops. It was a strong reality check from Castro to the woke boner that O’Rourke and other Dems had for their gun control policies. It just seems like Julian Castro’s role in this race is to be the heel who body slams Dems out of their liberal wet dreams. He does it even better than–
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG- “The day after Trump has stopped being president”
Mayor Pete is a thoughtful bro and is clearly selling himself as the best candidate for America… on Inauguration Day. This is very different from his opponents’ strategy, which is to be position themselves as the best candidate on election day. Bold move. I dig it.
YOUTUBE STAR BETO O’ROURKE – No one cares
Beto O’Rourke did a good job tonight but he has basically become a bipartisan joke at this point. He is either an example of Woke hypocrisy or white privilege and has just been a punching bag this whole campaign.
SEN. AMY KLOBUCHAR – “Meddlin'”
Most of America has forgotten that Sen. Amy Klobuchar is running for president and she has honestly been stiffer than a dead raccoon I saw on the side of the street in Omaha. But tonight she explained the difference between Russian “meddlin'” in elections, and her “meddlin'” in her daughter’s social life. It was the first human moment I have seen from her and it was just a savage move from the most wooden candidate of 2020. If she could cook up a few more of these zingers, her campaign might catch some YouTube fire.
RICH GUY TOM STEYER – His Tie
Nothing about Tom Steyer spoke louder than his tie. I am 100 percent positive that he showed up wearing a custom-made Hermes tie and had had to trade with one of his staffers last second. Either or that or those are the colors of the Scottish hunting lodge where he goes on pheasant shoots with weapons that do not have high-capacity magazines.
BERNIE SANDERS — “I’m healthy. I’m feeling great. But I’d like to respond to that question.”
Bernie fielded a question about the quality of his health after having a heart attack. I am honestly in awe of him because he is such a lion. This bro just skipped right over that and just kept roaring for the cause. What an alpha.
Did we learn anything for post-debate RCP Markets???
As usual, I feel great for not betting on these RCP markets. All of the candidates looked pretty good, so picking who dips and who rises seems like a very shaky business.
That is all. See you soon.