Dem Primary: Your Candidate’s NFL Doppelganger is Here

People are constantly asking me who is going to be the next president. I do not know the answer to that question any better than I know who will win the Super Bowl. But when I put those things together, I am 100 percent sure that I can tell you who each candidate’s NFL equivalent is. Here we go, in order:

Elizabeth Warren – Peyton Manning in 2007, QB


Having one of the best seasons in the history of the game. Running up the scoreboard and the record board during the regular season. But massive doubts as to whether or not he/she is capable of actually winning a Super Bowl . 

Joe Biden – Peyton Manning in 2015, QB


A giant in the twilight of his career. Opponents no longer fear his passing game or his vision. However, when surrounded by a team that can play tough defense and run the ball up the middle, he is still capable of winning it all.

Bernie Sanders – Colin Kaepernick, QB


Not currently on any team’s roster. Spends most of his time talking about corruption in the game. Cucked out of a starting job by the NFL/DNC in 2016.

Kamala Harris – Marcus Mariota, QB


Pretty face from the West Coast with flashes of genius but dogged by inconsistency. Probably should have played another season in the PAC-12 before trying to make it in the big leagues. In serious danger of being benched permanently.

Mayor Pete – Lamar Jackson, QB


One of the most naturally-gifted players of the new generation. However, forced to deal with racist criticism that black people make bad quarterbacks/gay people are unelectable to the White House.

Beto O’Rourke – Kirk Cousins, QB


Gets most of his credibility from looking like a quarterback but is average at best on the field. Most famous for games that he almost won while in DC.

Amy Klobuchar – Jeff Fisher, Head Coach


Incredible job security, a favorite of insiders but massively disappointing to fans. Not a winner.

Cory Booker – Julian Edelman, WR


Lacks the skillset to play quarterback at the highest level. Should admit that his career will be better if he sticks to catching passes thrown by future Hall of Famers, most likely while serving as their Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

Julian Castro – Ndamakong Suh, DE


Never going to lead a team to victory, but specializes in hitting hard and hitting dirty whenever he gets an open shot against a more senior player.

Tom Steyer – Dan Snyder, Owner


Rich guy who thinks he can do everything better than his team’s own management. Uses his money to attempt to micromanage players. In the end, always hurts his side more than he helps.


Hillary Clinton – Brett Favre

Gunslinger from the ‘90s who got a second life in New York. Anxious fans constantly asking him to return. Unclear if he can still win in Wisconsin and Minnesota.

Barack Obama – Tom Brady, QB

Cool, elegant, and arguably the best QB of his time. Makes more money off the field than on it. Many people hate him simply because they are not him.

Mitch McConnell – Richard Sherman, CB

Shutdown the greatest quarterback of his time, Tom Brady, in every post-season game they played in. His flawless and savage style haunts the nightmares of every QB in the league.

George W. Bush – Tony Romo, QB

Disappointing professional career. Beloved in the booth.


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