I was recently getting pickled with the boys when I heard Katy Perry’s absolute classic, “Hot ‘n Cold” on the jukebox. That’s when I realized that her song perfectly summarized my past few takes on when Trump will be impeached.
Yes, I have been changing my mind more than a girl changes clothes as to whether or not Nancy Pelosi will open up a can of Congressional whoop-ass before or after Jan 1, 2020. This is crucial to a very lucrative betting market:
I have actually been buying YES shares for a few weeks now due to the fact that their price fell down into the low-40s, which made them cheaper than the Frozen direct-to-DVD rip-offs currently sitting on Walmart shelves. But now that some time has gone by, I have decided that I am not in this market for a quick flip. I actually think that Trump will get impeached before Christmas. That means we are officially talking about:
Those of you who are complete degenerates and follow the PredictIt boards have noticed that Domer, one of the crustiest and stankiest pros in the gambling game, has been saying for days that he thinks Trump gets impeached on Dec 19 for the exact same reasons that Fake News Media (FNM) reporter Manu Raju wrote about today on CNN:
But in a series of moves this week, Democrats have shown they are rapidly moving to complete the proceedings by Christmas, something that could result in Trump being just the third president to be impeached in history.
The schedule became apparent in recent days after House Intelligence Chairman Adam Schiff, a California Democrat, announced that public hearings would begin next week and also suggested Thursday there’s a limit to the witnesses they would call for the public hearings.
Plus Democrats also withdrew a subpoena of a former White House official to ensure their proceedings were not delayed by a court battle. Schiff also decided Thursday not to subpoena someone who could have been a star witness — former national security adviser John Bolton, who privately raised concerns about the Ukraine scandal at the heart of the impeachment probe. Schiff’s decision came after the former Trump aide’s counsel warned they would sue over any subpoena.
“We have no interest in allowing the administration to play rope-a-dope with us in the courts for months,” a House Intelligence Committee official said of the decision not to subpoena Bolton.
I will translate this into a few key points:
— House Democrats are holding public hearings so that the public can hear nasty things about Donald Trump and get fired-up to impeach him ASAP.
— House Democrats are no longer trying to harpoon whales like former National Security Advisor John Bolton, because the legal hoops of doing this will take more time to jump through than the obstacle course on Global Guts.
— No one really gives a crap who testifies anyway, because there is a 0 percent chance that Trump gets convicted by the Senate. That means that Nancy Pelosi can hand-off a subpar bag of evidence to Chuck Schumer and his Senate bad boys without concern. This is due to the fact that impeachment is really just a show trial.
Lastly, I am going to do one of my favorite things in the world, which is to repeat myself. I am a big believer in the seasons. For example, summer is the season where you slam Modelos. Fall is the season where you slam Pumpkin Spice Lattes. And Christmas is the season where Congress slams controversial legislation through. I wrote in my last impeachment post that:
A good rule of thumb for Congress is that everything important has to be done before Christmas. That is because Congressmen and Senators do not like to go home and explain their laziness to constituents if they have not delivered on their promises; and because stalling bigtime legislation for 1-2 weeks can kill it. This is why then-Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent the Capitol Police door-to-door in 4-wheel drives to grab Senators for a Christmas Eve vote on Obamacare in 2009.
…She [Nancy Pelosi] also remembers how the GOP tax cut in 2017 only happened at the last second in December too.
This is an extremely long explanation for why “must-pass bills” usually pass before Christmas. I am 100 percent convinced that this year’s “must-pass” bill is an impeachment resolution. If politics weren’t dominated by total psychos, then 2019’s must-pass item would be the USMCA trade agreement, something that taxes young people so that old people can have awesome health care, or something that cuts taxes for people who are already stanky rich. This means that the Fake News Media will have another chance to yap about Trump slaughtering our democratic norms. I guess we will just have to wait for a new president who respects our traditions, including transferring wealth from people in need to people who vote. Speaking of which, I am psyched to transfer lots of wealth from people who don’t think the Dems will do the obvious to you:
It’s going to be a nightmare before Christmas for Trump.