DNC Quarterback Controversy, Pre-Season Week 4

DNC pre season cover

With the Atlanta debate now behind us, DNC pre-season Week 4 is officially in the books. That means it’s time to re-visit the Dem Party’s Quarterback Controversy. For our past rankings check out: October and July. This is where things stand 10 weeks out from the the regular season kick-off in Iowa.

Joe Biden

Last time: Peyton Manning in 2014

This time: Ben Roethlisberger

Does not have the prettiest style of play but is an absolute truck. Capable of taking unlimited punishment. Impossible to knock down. Surrounded by an experienced organization that is popular with blue collar fans. Does not get mixed-up in bathroom politics. Has good hands, especially with the ladies.

Elizabeth Warren

Last time: Peyton Manning in 2006

This time: Lamar Jackson

Has been running an absolutely savage run-pass/socialism-capitalism offense that opponents just can’t stop. Questions remain about whether or not this style of play can go the distance but there is no arguing with the fact that so far, this player is having a bangarang season.

Pete Buttigieg

Last time: Lamar Jackson

This time: Carson Wentz

The whitest player in the game. Thriving as a pocket passer in a traditional pro offense. Capable of scrambling under pressure from blitzes on the Left and Right side. Great fundamentals, strong family values, and is likely to have a long career. That said, will be lucky to get through the regular season of primaries with a .500 record.

Amy Klobuchar

Last time: Jeff Fisher

This time: Blake Bortles

Career second-stringer who delivers 1-2 zingers whenever she gets playing time… but probably not the face of a franchise.

Cory Booker

Last time: Julian Edelman

This time: Julian Edelman

Lacks the skillset to play quarterback at the highest level. Should admit that his career will be better if he sticks to catching passes thrown by future Hall of Famers, most likely while serving as their Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

Tulsi Gabbard

Last time: Unranked.

This time: Aaron Hernandez

Plays dirty AF. Attempted a double homicide on Kamala Harris and Mayor Pete’s campaigns. Probably going to commit political suicide soon.

Bernie Sanders

Last time: Colin Kaepernick

This time: Still Colin Kaepernick

Not currently on any team’s roster. Spends most of his time talking about corruption in the game. Cucked out of a starting job by the NFL/DNC in 2016.

Kamala Harris

Last time: Marcus Mariota

This time: Still Marcus Mariota

Pretty face from the West Coast with flashes of genius but dogged by inconsistency. Probably should have played another season in the PAC-12 before trying to make it in the big leagues. In danger of being benched permanently.

Andrew Yang

Last time: unranked.

This time: Christian Ronaldo.

Wait. You said this was football, right? Because this guy is playing a completely different game.

See you in LA.


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