With the Atlanta debate now behind us, DNC pre-season Week 4 is officially in the books. That means it’s time to re-visit the Dem Party’s Quarterback Controversy. For our past rankings check out: October and July. This is where things stand 10 weeks out from the the regular season kick-off in Iowa.
Last time: Peyton Manning in 2014
This time: Ben Roethlisberger
Vice President Joe Biden, and his wife Jill Biden, left, walk with Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins and Fort Worth, Texas Mayor Betsy Price after Biden’s arrive in Dallas, Tuesday, July 12, 2016. (AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez)
Does not have the prettiest style of play but is an absolute truck. Capable of taking unlimited punishment. Impossible to knock down. Surrounded by an experienced organization that is popular with blue collar fans. Does not get mixed-up in bathroom politics. Has good hands, especially with the ladies.
Last time: Peyton Manning in 2006
This time: Lamar Jackson
BALTIMORE, MD – OCTOBER 13: Lamar Jackson #8 celebrates his touchdown against the Cincinnati Bengals with Orlando Brown #78 of the Baltimore Ravens during the first half at M&T Bank Stadium on October 13, 2019 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Dan Kubus/Getty Images)
Has been running an absolutely savage run-pass/socialism-capitalism offense that opponents just can’t stop. Questions remain about whether or not this style of play can go the distance but there is no arguing with the fact that so far, this player is having a bangarang season.
Last time: Lamar Jackson
This time: Carson Wentz
The whitest player in the game. Thriving as a pocket passer in a traditional pro offense. Capable of scrambling under pressure from blitzes on the Left and Right side. Great fundamentals, strong family values, and is likely to have a long career. That said, will be lucky to get through the regular season of primaries with a .500 record.
Last time: Jeff Fisher
This time: Blake Bortles
Career second-stringer who delivers 1-2 zingers whenever she gets playing time… but probably not the face of a franchise.
Last time: Julian Edelman
This time: Julian Edelman
Lacks the skillset to play quarterback at the highest level. Should admit that his career will be better if he sticks to catching passes thrown by future Hall of Famers, most likely while serving as their Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
Last time: Unranked.
This time: Aaron Hernandez
Plays dirty AF. Attempted a double homicide on Kamala Harris and Mayor Pete’s campaigns. Probably going to commit political suicide soon.
Last time: Colin Kaepernick
This time: Still Colin Kaepernick
Not currently on any team’s roster. Spends most of his time talking about corruption in the game. Cucked out of a starting job by the NFL/DNC in 2016.
Last time: Marcus Mariota
This time: Still Marcus Mariota
Pretty face from the West Coast with flashes of genius but dogged by inconsistency. Probably should have played another season in the PAC-12 before trying to make it in the big leagues. In danger of being benched permanently.
Last time: unranked.
This time: Christian Ronaldo.
Portugal’s forward Cristiano Ronaldo celebrates a goal after shooting a penalty kick during the Russia 2018 World Cup Group B football match between Portugal and Spain at the Fisht Stadium in Sochi on June 15, 2018. / AFP PHOTO / Nelson Almeida / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE – NO MOBILE PUSH ALERTS/DOWNLOADS
Wait. You said this was football, right? Because this guy is playing a completely different game.
See you in LA.