The following is adapted from our weekly newsletter. To get early access to bonus content,Â sign-up for it here.
I personally could not be more bored with what is happening in Washington, D.C. So far this whole impeachment trial has been more boring than baseball. Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose definitely got a raw deal though, because in the big leagues of politics, fixing games/trials is what gets you into the Hall of Fame. I will be shocked if Mitch McConnell doesn’t break his all-time fundraising record this quarter, and given how in-the-bag Hollywood is for anything opposed to Trump, we are pretty much guaranteed 3-6 Disney movies about Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler. The only question is whether or not we are talking about a Star Wars spin-off or possibly an Air Bud re-boot, I am thinking Golden Impeacher.
Fortunately, there is a sketch artist from The New York Times to document the trial. I think this is awesome because it means that President Trump has brought jobs back to the court artists industry, which is a natural side effect of the massive boom in criminal defense jobs that his presidency has created. Trickle that down. Anyway, since The New York Times is a non-partisan institution, their correspondent has documented (1) some Republicans Senators being bored; and (2) the Democratic prosecution looking like Japanese anime heroes.
Here are thoughtful renderingsÂ of Jim Risch (R-ID) sleeping and Richard Burr (R-NC) craving his fidget spinner.
And here is a picture of (1) Adam Schiff crossing the Delaware; and (2) a very confusing sketch of Sen. Amy Klobuchar’s (D-MN) behind.Â
Regardless of how bored normal people are with the impeachment trial, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) seems to be having the time of his life. This makes sense though because Ted Cruz is most likely a snake and not a normal person at all. He slithered into the 2016 GOP Convention and told voters not to vote for Trump (ummm… not your party, bro); and he single-handedly caused a government shutdown in 2013 while he was molting his freshman senator skin to prepare for a presidential bid. But if you are looking forÂ instructions on how to be an opportunist, just watch this pro and learn. First, there are the jokes.
And then there is the podcast he is promoting, which I am pretty sure is the GOP’s version of aÂ BachelorÂ recap.Â
|Tbh, the only thing I can think of that would be worse than watching 48 hours of impeachment testimony would be listening to Ted Cruz talk about anything other than shaving his beard. I would much rather just bet on this trial and check the box score in the morning. Your instructions on how to do that are included below.|
Happy Impeachment (D’Oh!). And happy Alpha.