NEWSLETTER: Searching for Sasquatch in U.S. Politics

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Dear Political Animals,

This has been a very strange week. Tbh, every week in political gambling is a little strange but this one has just been a zoo full of political Sasquatches that you either believe in or you do not.

On the election front, Bernie Sanders’ polling numbers in early states, as well as his share prices on PredictIt, spiked more this week than my bone does whenever I hear that they are filming new episodes of Cops in Florida. The Sanders bubble is due to a highly scientific thing called the “Bernie Domino Theory” in which Bernie wins Iowa, then becomes unstoppable in New Hampshire, Nevada, and throughout Super Tuesday states, and Joe Biden etc just get nuked out of the race by March.

I could write a book about why I don’t think this will happen, but I won’t. The first reason why is that I do not read books and am generally not that interested in them. The second one is that politics is complicated and the idea that a 78-year-old socialist is going to win the Democratic nomination in a walk is more insane than Tulsi Gabbard. The third reason why I am not going to say anything else about Bernie is that I made this video that is shorter and funnier than anything I can write:

If that does not win an Oscar then I am going to move to Canada. I hear that their film and TV tax credits there have attracted some very talented makeup artists.

On the impeachment front, there are also lots of dummies waiting to get a snapshot of a Sasquatch-like swamp creature that is never going to show his face. That creature is, of course, John Bolton, who we have been telling you for weeks will not testify in front of the Senate. As a reminder, we have this total banger of a tutorial on why:

The last boogeyman who has been stalking around politics is former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is sitting out the first four primaries because it will literally take that long to print all the money he is spending to campaign everywhere else. Depending on who you ask, the $250 million Michael Bloomberg has burned through so far is either (1) the only waste of money bigger than a CBS All Access account; or (2) a monster waiting under the beds of whichever candidates survive the Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina primaries. 

The betting prices on Bloomberg’s chances are absolutely insane, with some states costing as much as the market for “Will he win any primaries at all?” Whether you are a politician, a gambler, or a media man, there seems to be a lot of conversation about whether or not this monster is real. Actually, that goes for all of them. We’ll know soon.

2 days away from Iowa, 11 days from New Hampshire. And one month before yours truly runs out of Adderrall.

KEENDAWG.

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