NEWSLETTER: The Top COVID Questions Nobody is Asking

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Political Animals,

This week I would like to devote some time to the top questions that Americans are asking because of the coronavirus. After that, we will move on to the alpha. 

(1) Why aren’t teachers paid a seven-figure salary?

I personally know what it is like to take care of a child due to the fact that I live with someone who only eats frozen pizza, shells ‘n cheese, and has zero interest in learning. That person is me. Basically everyone in America is tired of their kids and is probably asking why they don’t pay teachers more.

(2) If we did pay teachers more, would America be in better shape than it is right now?

This is an interesting question due to the fact that if we paid teachers more people would probably be smart enough not to do stuff like this:

That would mean more money and medical supplies would be available for people who aren’t boneheads.

(4) However, the taxpayer savings from this would not be a straight line.

While it is probably true that teachers do not make enough dough, the pensions systems that they (and many others public employees) draw from are causing a huge explosion in Washington, D.C. right now.

This is due to the fact that the Godfather aka Mitch McConnell was quoted saying that he thought that states whose finances have caught the coronavirus due to falling tax receipts and huge Medicaid bills for sick people during the lockdown should declare bankruptcy. That is the fancy way of saying that Cocaine Mitch does not want to give them any additional federal money in future bailouts. These states are also, by-and-large, solidly Democratic places like New York, Illinois, and California. People sometimes refer to them as “Donor States” because they pay more in taxes than they get back, which is why politicos like New York Governor Andrew Cuomo are seriously pissed-off at McConnell.

FYI, the other kind of “Donor State” is the kind that is super poor and donates its best talent to big cities. Examples include Hawaii (Barack Obama), Alabama (Apple CEO Tim Cook), and New Mexico (Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos).

(5) Why does Cocaine Mitch want to force liberal states in bankruptcy?

The bankruptcy question is part of a major split in Republican and Democratic thinking. On one hand, Republicans prefer to buy elections with massive dark money Super PACs that fund think tanks, universities, media outlets, and corporate ventures that parrot whatever is on Paul Ryan’s mind when he rubs one out. These are funded by billionaires who are butt-hurt that they have to keep all their money in the Cayman Islands. This is one of the reasons why the Republican Party is basically brain dead — it is just a feedback loop for super rich people’s ego projects.

On the other hand, Democrats prefer to buy votes instead of elections, and one of the best ways to do this is to promise enormous retirement benefits to government workers that will never be paid for, and then attacking any politician who tries to make the public pension system solvent. Because of this, states like California and Connecticut now have pension debt that is equivalent to about $85,000 per resident, with Illinois and New Jersey not far behind at $60,000 per resident.

That’s a lot of money.

So basically, Mitch McConnell thinks that giving a few hundred billion dollars to these states is like giving a $20 bill to a junky: they’re just going to shoot it up into their pensions systems, which partisan Republicans think are the same thing as Democratic turn-out machines. Even worse, fiscal hawks think that these bailouts will delay naughty states from rehabbing the underlying problem. 

But I personally think that Cocaine Mitch is going to lose this drug war. This is because Trump does not seem to care at all about fiscal responsibility and is obsessed with the stock market going up again before the election. This means he will probably be cool with machine gunning Blue States with federal cash until the Dow starts to recover.

(6) On the Lighter Side, Could the commercials on TV possibly be any worse?

No. 

7) Lastly, What predictions do you have about sh*tty cultural trends we can expect in the future?

I don’t know. But I already think it is totally bogus that ever since 9/11, every NFL game and public event has had to start with a three song medley saluting the USA and its Armed Forces. If we have to add another act for health care workers I am seriously going to think about moving to Iceland where the only people there are to salute are the vikings that discovered the island and the dumb penguins who think that it’s a good idea to chill out by volcanos. 

KEENDAWG.

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