A Few Hilarious Distractions That Will Eventually Turn Into Major News Stories

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Dear Political Animals,

One of the things that I like the least about 2020 is that the only news that is important generally stinks. For example, the coronavirus was invented and has killed 100,000 people in the USA. Also a police officer in Minneapolis killed an unarmed black man and now people are rioting. These are not fun stories. But there are some really ridiculous things that are happening in the background that I think are worth mentioning, partially because they are the beginnings of their own big stories, and partially because they’re a distraction from endless calamity:

(1) Ex-Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions is running to retake his seat. His opponent in the GOP primary is former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville, who has about as many syllables in his name as he does victories over ranked opponents. Lol. These two candidates are in a public feud for Trump’s attention (this by itself deserves 1000 words) but I am just loving Sessions going for the jugular by invoking Tuberville’s losing record at Auburn as proof that his defense against Chuck Schumer’s Democrats will stink just as much as his defense against Tim Tebow’s Florida Gators. It’s just golden.

(2) For the first time in recent memory, the “-gate” (nee Watergate) team and “-truther” (nee 9-11 Truther) team are on the same side. Presently, Coronavirus Truthers are advocating for the DOJ to arrest James Comey, John Brennan, and Andrew McCabe for spying on Trump during “Obamagate.” It’s like dogs and cats getting along together. 

(3) President Trump is about to roll-out an executive order banning partisan fact-checking on social media. I am not that interested in talking about the underlying problem (I personally think that Big Tech has the same tolerance for ideological diversity as ISIS) but the fact that Trump is using this avenue to flex is going to have the opposite effect. Over the past two years, Democrats like Elizabeth Warren and Republicans like Sen. Josh Hawley have been coming to a bipartisan consensus that the government needs to reign in Tech. But by Trump making this bonehead move, that coalition will probably fall apart. This is due to the fact that the most important thing for hardcore Democrats like Elizabeth Warren is to oppose everything Trump does; and the most important thing for mainstream Republicans is to do whatever “the Free Market” (ahem, big money) wants.

(4) People are calling for Sen. Amy Klobuchar’s head over George Floyd’s death in Minneapolis. This is because she opted not to prosecute the police officer who killed him while she was the DA. BTW, this is after Sen. Kamala Harris got absolutely roasted by Tulsi Gabbard for her record as a prosecutor in San Francisco– a total knife wound that the presidential contender from California never recovered from. Knowing this, it makes you wonder if being a prosecutor is still a viable path towards higher office. 

Lastly, a week ago I said this would turn into a Tuesday newsletter. Welp, it’s Friday. What can I say, I’m a creature of habits.

KEENDAWG.

Keendawg

Founder. Surfer. Gambler.

Follow him on Twitter at: http://www.twitter.com/keendawg

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