A List of Conspiracies Theories We Should Be Vetting Right Now

Animals, this past weekend my neighborhood was looted and vandalized, which is apparently a very popular activity in America these days. But the situation looks like it’s getting worse and to make sense of it, I 100 percent think that we should be turning to conspiracy theories for answers. Here are a few that I am investigating thoroughly as we speak:

Hillary Clinton is actually not responsible for this unrest. I know that the obvious person to blame for a wrongful death is Hillary but this time, it just does not make sense at all. To begin with, Hillary Clinton has never really appealed to large crowds.

Stupid people are way smarter than “smart people” and are also more bipartisan. Has anyone considered the fact that if we listened to the Right Wing nutjobs who protested lockdowns in Michigan with their Ford F150s and machine guns, we could have avoided a situation with Left Wing nutjobs throwing Molotov cocktails through Gucci store windows?

It seems like these two crowds really have their hand on the pulse of the nation. I personally think that Nora O’Donnell and David Muir should be replaced immediately by some dudes with beards and Che Geuvara t-shirts because clearly the second group has a better grip on reality than the first.

Donald Trump wants these riots to go on until November. This is obviously his plan due to the fact that the protesters/rioters/Instagram influencers are also likely to volunteer for Democratic campaigns during the election. Also these protests are driving down real estate valuations in fashionable cities like LA, DC, and NYC, which are exactly the places that Trump likes to build stuff. I would honestly bet a trillion dollars that Don Jr is just going ape right now buying-up distressed properties at fire sale prices. And the longer this goes on, the more the Trump Organization can buy. Trump Taj Mahal Minneapolis, coming fall 2021!

Joe Biden is behind the riots. The Democratic Party has staked-out its space as the party of science. I have no doubt that Joe Biden and his campaign team have been reading all about how young people are basically immune to the coronavirus but old people get seriously jacked-up by it and often die. So I personally am not ruling out the idea that these protests are designed to infect all the young, liberal, recent college grads who are protesting in New York, LA, and DC so that they will take the virus home and wipeout their parents who were secretly planning to vote for Trump (again). If this is true then the Dem party has finally caught-up to where the Republicans were in like 1950.

Barack Obama is actually behind these riots. Barack Obama has a TV deal with Netflix that is rumored to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. But so far he is only producing boring stuff about people who want to get better jobs and not be poors. I am yet to see any guns or boobs on one of these O’Bama productions and I am sure they are losing tons of money. It would be an incredibly savvy business move for President Obama’s TV company to create some riots because the government would provide all of the special effects for free and it is way cooler to see real cops, real explosions, and real helicopters than CGI ones.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare is Fake News and will be sued because of these riots. I am pretty sure that 99 percent of American males have been totally duped by the Call of Duty video game franchise because no one actually uses guns in modern wars. It is seriously expensive to fight wars and sometimes they do not go your way, which is what Friendster learned when they battled Facebook in 2004.

Put yourself in Vladimir Putin or Chinese Emperor Xi’s shoes. Would you rather invade the USA so that you can dominate the world or just pay anarchists, white supremacists and college students from Portland to stoke a race war while a social retard with bad hair is in the White House? This one is a total no-brainer for any intern at the KGB.

Playing the race card in order to divide your enemy is one of the most classic moves in war. The USA has pulled this move at least 1000 times in places like Vietnam, Iran, Iraq and China. I would honestly be shocked if there wasn’t some dirty CIA money in Chechnya too. Great Britain and France also absolutely crushed it at using racial division to keep their colonies in check. It would be insane to think that sophisticated adversaries like Russia and China aren’t quietly training and funding Antifa and racial agitators on BOTH sides of this issue to rip our diverse society to shreds.

The only problem for Activision is that “Call of Duty: Antifa Disinfo Warfare” is extremely difficult to market, especially in this political climate.

The USA is not a young country anymore. I think it is garbage to say that the USA is still “young.” Only a bonehead would disagree. The USA now has all of the problems that European countries have had since way before the Pope had a silly hat. There is obviously a hardening class system, a finite amount of resources for everyone to divide (and not an infinitely growing pie), and permanent blocks of the population that feel disenfranchised and will eventually turn into longterm separatist movements like IRA, the Basques, the Scottish, the Catalonians, etc. All of these are fixtures of European politics. So far, we’ve avoided them, but that feels like it’s coming to an end.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!

KEENDAWG.

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