Fool-Proof Bets for Boneheads

I know that I am not posting on this genius blog as often as I used to and because of that, it has gone from the #1 website on the entire internet to the #4. I am not happy about this at all, but unfortunately, I work for the Man and the Man is just completely dominating me right now. You can fix this problem by joining our Patreon page ASAP.

Anyway, since I have no time to bet, I am really just looking for some places to park my cash until I have enough time to slam Modelos and gamble in a very unhealthy way. To be honest, this is my dream state and there is nothing I love more than waking up at 2 PM on Saturday with Adderral streaks on my pillow, a 12-pack of Modelo banging around on the inside of my very hungover skull, and a highly embarrassing blog or two posted on SSG that will inevitably turn into a profit center for political gambling genius. That is my perfect world.

But since the Man has me down right now, I am really only looking for total no-brainer moves to just let my money gather value. Here is where I am seeing them:

JOE BIDEN WINNING THE DEM NOMINATION

Right now this market is at 92/8. Let me remind you that the Democratic Convention, where he will accept the nomination, is scheduled for August 17-20. So really, at this point, the only way that Biden isn’t the nominee is if he dies. I know that the coronavirus is back and seriously blows, but even if Uncle Joe got it, science has shown that it takes 2-3 weeks for it to kill you. So really they should re-name this market “Will Joe Biden get the Coronavirus Before August 1?” because that’s the only way he won’t be the nominee. This should go to 99-1 on August 2 because of that.

I am going to dump some cash in at 92/8 and look forward to that savings bond rolling-over soon.

MITCH MCCONNELL’S RE-ELECTION

I have thoroughly enjoyed playing the short side of Mitch McConnell’s re-election because all the pyscho liberal people on PredictIt have been putting their dumb money into him losing this race. That is honestly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life though, because the Democratic Primary in this state just had a primary that was a bigger display of money-wasting ineptitude than the Iraq War. Basically, Amy McGrath only survived because she laid down more napalm strikes of campaign cash on white people than the U.S. Air Force did on ISIS, or whoever the bad guys were there. I don’t really remember.

I don’t usually like to bet against the Fighter Pilot Party (McGrath’s), but in this case, I feel pretty certain that McGrath is a goner, considering that she almost lost her primary to Charles Booker, who was a rookie state rep who was pretty much running as a communist.

Sorry but Cocaine Mitch is an absolute savage and is going to wreck her. I have never even heard of someone as ice cold as Mitch. He has taken a long train of “top recruit” Dem challengers and basically gone Ramsey Bolton on them to the point that pretty much all of them now answer to “Reek” whenever McConnell shows up.

DOUG JONES LOSING IN ALABAMA — OR NOT?

I am going to play both sides of this one and count my money later on. First of all, Democrat Doug Jones is going to have a harder time holding onto his seat in Alabama than Arnold Schwarzenegger had holding onto his seat on this airplane in the Oscar-nominated classic, Eraser.

But if fromer Auburn Football coach Tommy Tuberville wins the AL Senate Primary, then I think people will freak out bigtime and Dem shares will pump for a hot second. That is because the only thing Tommy Tuberville has even done in November is blow leads and lose homegames. Also he is pretty much a robot that has been programed to out-crazy Trump, and candidates like that tend to attract a lot of shorts on PredictIt due to the fact that many people on PredictIt thing Trump is a bonehead.

So I am going to buy some YES on Republicans to win and some YES on Dems to win. I will sell the Dems if and when they pump, and I will hold the GOP until the election day.

So there you have it, three fool proof way for even the biggest boneheads to make money betting on politics.

KEENDAWG.

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