These Stonks Only Go Up, Right?

Animals,

When it comes to my very, very under control gambling habit — that is no way “addictive” or “destructive” — I personally am torn by 3 competing urges whenever I bet:

Do I gamble on politics to:

Make money?
Have fun and be a degenerate? Or…
To come up with something to write about?

Usually the answer is #2 or #3, because I have a job that does not pay me nearly enough money to support a professional gambler’s cocaine habit.

But ever since upstart exchange Polymarket has launched, I’ve stumbled on to a fool-proof strategy to make money on autopilot while I crank Modelos with the Boys and earn that cheddar working for the Man.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:

SIMPLY PUT…. TAKING THE LONG SIDE OF THEIR DEGEN BETS

I staked myself $500 to figure out Polymarket and have been sticking to making highly-liquid, low-risk bets. TBH, this is how everyone should start their political betting career.

Anyway, I have been tempted to take the bait on a few long-shots that their exchanges offers, like these humdingers:

But have managed to beat-back my demons and stay focused on generating a steady, passive income.

So far, the best way to do that is very simple: it’s to take the non-lobotomized side of the degen markets they’re offering. I am talking about bets that anyone who has not had a recent traumatic brain injury can pick the winner of in under 0.1 seconds. Right now, it’s mostly these:

And they’ve traded as favorbaly as 87c/13c for YES.

What’s the risk? As far as I can tell, there are only 3 ways that these bets could resolve on the NO side, or in Trump’s favor.

If Joe Biden dies;
If the Trump family acquires nuclear weapons and a complex system of global alliances to push Biden & the US Congress aside; or
If Kamala Harris is actually a REAL snake and eats Biden while he is taking a senior nap.

That said, I rate all of these possibilities as extremely remote. And with regard to Biden’s personal health, I even had Flight Surgeon Lucas pull the mortality tables on 78 year old white men.

Podcast flight surgeon checking in with some research to clear up Biden's life expectancy. Per Google, Americans live 78.54 years on average. Biden is currently 78, but we can be even more precise; his birthday of Nov 20, 1942 + 78.54 years is June 5, 2021, the date of his death.
— Lucas (@Talophex) January 26, 2021

So there you have it: I am seeing steady returns just by betting that Joe Biden doesn’t die, and am praying to the Gambling Gods that Polymarket keeps refreshing these offerings past March.

Until then, I am just checking Polymarket a few times to a week to see if I can collect a new batch of degen cash. And it it’s working pretty well for me. Look how far my $500 has come: