These Stonks Only Go Up, Right?

Animals,

When it comes to my very, very under control gambling habit — that is no way “addictive” or “destructive” — I personally am torn by 3 competing urges whenever I bet:

Do I gamble on politics to:

  • Make money?
  • Have fun and be a degenerate? Or…
  • To come up with something to write about?

Usually the answer is #2 or #3, because I have a job that does not pay me nearly enough money to support a professional gambler’s cocaine habit.

But ever since upstart exchange Polymarket has launched, I’ve stumbled on to a fool-proof strategy to make money on autopilot while I crank Modelos with the Boys and earn that cheddar working for the Man.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:

SIMPLY PUT…. TAKING THE LONG SIDE OF THEIR DEGEN BETS

I staked myself $500 to figure out Polymarket and have been sticking to making highly-liquid, low-risk bets. TBH, this is how everyone should start their political betting career.

Anyway, I have been tempted to take the bait on a few long-shots that their exchanges offers, like these humdingers:

But have managed to beat-back my demons and stay focused on generating a steady, passive income.

So far, the best way to do that is very simple: it’s to take the non-lobotomized side of the degen markets they’re offering. I am talking about bets that anyone who has not had a recent traumatic brain injury can pick the winner of in under 0.1 seconds. Right now, it’s mostly these:

And they’ve traded as favorbaly as 87c/13c for YES.

What’s the risk? As far as I can tell, there are only 3 ways that these bets could resolve on the NO side, or in Trump’s favor.

  • If Joe Biden dies;
  • If the Trump family acquires nuclear weapons and a complex system of global alliances to push Biden & the US Congress aside; or
  • If Kamala Harris is actually a REAL snake and eats Biden while he is taking a senior nap.

That said, I rate all of these possibilities as extremely remote. And with regard to Biden’s personal health, I even had Flight Surgeon Lucas pull the mortality tables on 78 year old white men.

So there you have it: I am seeing steady returns just by betting that Joe Biden doesn’t die, and am praying to the Gambling Gods that Polymarket keeps refreshing these offerings past March.

Until then, I am just checking Polymarket a few times to a week to see if I can collect a new batch of degen cash. And it it’s working pretty well for me. Look how far my $500 has come:

Might be time to start reaching for some higher fruit.

KEENDAWG.

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